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The query letter in an alternate universe - part one

This post is the first in a series of indeterminable length. Why? Because I haven't rounded up all of the funny pieces in my head yet. Sometimes, they hide when I chase them, only to reappear in the middle of the night or at inopportune moments, such as when I'm working at my "real" job.

In this section of the universe, located just down the shelf from "alternate facts," the query letter is expected to be written in the style of an online dating profile.

Here are a few versions of what my (hopefully) soon-to-be debut novel's dating profile might look like:

-Mind-bending supernatural mystery seeks literary agent with a keen eye, a sense of humor, and a love of plot twists. BOOKTITLE is edgy, moving, and unapologetic about its treatment of the law and religion. Book agent must love strong female characters, the poetry of E.E. Cummings, distilled spirits, and the supernatural, which in this case, does not include witches, wizards, warlocks, unicorns, vampires, werewolves, shape-shifters, or ghosts. BOOKTITLE is not interested in literary agents who seek schmaltzy, light beach reads and run-of-the mill "who killed 'em?" novels.

-Thought-provoking supernatural mystery novel seeks fearless literary agent who appreciates a read with more curves than Sophia Vergara, and more muscles than The Rock. BOOKTITLE enjoys exploring heartache, loss, self-doubt, self-discovery, and a God with orange toenails adorned with yellow suns. Literary agent must enjoy books that explore religion but aren't religious books, and mysteries that are the antithesis of formulaic.

Which one do you think is better?